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Reality Bites.

"heavy! heavy!" the instructor called out. "this is Spin class, this is not supposed to be easy!" dear lord, no kidding. i'd been trying to drop from the weight i was at for years. i'd ballooned up and lost, lost a lot and then ballooned up again. "come on, keep pace, you can do it, push yourself!" The song was slow and gripping. The instant it had come on i was like ohhhh, total classic, good song! the harder i pushed, the song pushed on and it pushed its way under my skin. The instructor told us to close our eyes and concentrate to push through the resistance. Every time i shut my eyes, it was just me, the words and the pain. "Well in case you failed to notice, In case you failed to see, This is my heart bleeding before you, This is me down on my knees, and...These foolish games are tearing me apart, And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart. You're breaking my heart." With my eyes shut and Jewel singing away, behind my eye lids i could only see one thing. It was me, not more than 14 or 15 years old and the words echoed through the memory - you're going to miss out being your size. things happen in high school and being your size, its not something you'll participate in, you won't be part of that being the weight you are. - it was so painful, the resistance, the words of the song, the vision of the memory - i heard the instructor through the memory, no longer yelling, just encouraging. tears began were streaming down my face, fast. It hurt to watch the memory. I opened my eyes but it hurt too much to watch myself pedal. I closed my eyes again, boom, the memory replayed like a recurring bad dream in the same night. Instead of fighting it, i allowed myself to feel the pain, all over, inside and out. I let 15 year old Swee be upset and feel hurt. I'd never cried so hard, my chest heaved. The pain in my legs didn't even exist anymore. I could listen to this song on repeat, sweat, cry and pedal this hard forever. I finally knew it, these last 80lbs I had to lose were being held onto by this 15 year old Swee, she was stuffed inside my heart and her feeling not good enough, feeling worthless.

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